I remember the day I knew I was pregnant with my second child. At the time, my sister and I were in college, taking some of the same classes. When I walked into our Death and Dying class that day, she was already sitting there. I sat next to her and said,
“Guess what? I’m with child, and it’s a boy!”
I had been saving that specific and very dramatic line just for her all day! She looked at me in disbelief and asked when I had taken the test. I told her I had not, but I could feel it. I was sure of it! She let out a burst of joy in a happy scream and then had to calm down as the instructor walked in. I sat through the class feeling the utmost confidence. I remember I kept a smile on my face. When I got home, I took the test and so it was confirmed. I showed my mom, and because I was crying, she said,
“I’m sorry.”
I explained I was crying because I was elated! Then she looked at me with a face of relief and happiness. I share this because many times, we as children cannot comprehend the complexity of our origins. I was in unhealthy marriage and was ready to make a life of my own, with my (soon to be, two) kids, away from this toxic relationship. Little did anyone know I needed this little boy with my entire being.
Enough about that! I was so excited I would have my baby boy, and his name would be Esai, (after Esai Morales, of course! I had told my mother since the first time I watched La Bamba that when I grew up and had a son, that would be his name). I had a healthy pregnancy and an unbearable delivery! It was New Year’s Eve of 2004. I was close to death when he decided to make his entrance, and join his sister, who was mad at me for having a boy! I still remember her face as well! Priceless!
He was stubborn from the beginning, but he was a good baby; never even cried. I watched him grow into a happy, healthy, and loving little boy. Always willing to grant a shy smile; always liked to play in nature. I still remember his traffic-themed room and the smile on his face when he saw his grandmother, or myself. She has always played the father role. I will forever be eternally grateful to my mom for that. I don’t know where he or I would be without her.
You see, that loving and caring, bright-eyed, smiling boy started changing. As a pre-teen, I could see changes in him I could not comprehend. I could see my baby boy was changing before my eyes, but I just could not figure out what was occurring. I had no way of knowing the complexity or the gravity of the way our lives were about to change. I will not divulge the details of his story here, but he struggled with his mental health for a long time. I watched him and the light in him diminish in a rapid spiral. I felt helpless and lost as a parent. Those are days I’m sure we both wish we could forget. Again, enough about that. I do mention it though because the stigma around mental illness is real!
The reason for this feature though, is something entirely different. The amazing thing and that for which I am grateful, is that these days, Esai dances to a different tune. These days, he balances his mental health, social and work lives with what seems like much more ease. He has the tools in his belt and is fully capable of employing them as needed. He surrounds himself with positivity and a network he can trust.
He doesn’t know this, but it was extremely difficult to see him after he no longer resided with me. As I watched him grow and evolve over the last couple of years, I think I shed even more tears than when I had him close. I would see him and instantly feel a knot in my throat and would fight to hold back my tears, but just could not. I was happy to finally see him flourish, but the pain was so real. I was in so much pain, yet happy he was thriving, and immensely proud of the young man I saw him becoming.
Today, he works full-time, recently offered a management position, and just purchased his first vehicle. As of a few weeks ago, Esai has also earned his high school credentials, according to the school district, with the highest grades in writing they had ever seen! Not only is he an amazing writer, as I have been saying all along, but he is also a visual artist. He spent a brief time at the School of the Arts, but I must give him the credit. I recall when he was very young, carrying a sketch pad and pencil everywhere. The drawings he produced were so well done, I assumed he had been tracing images all along. Until one day; it just didn’t make sense. We got in the car for a short ride, him with his blank page. A few minutes later, he gets out of the car with a drawing that made me look twice. I knew from that point he had real talent.
These days, his talents are diversified between his writing, his music, his self-taught graphic design, and his tattoos! Yes! I have already locked in the mother-son deal for life-long free tattoos! Don’t judge, (insert smiley here)! He has his own sense of style and tends to be a trendsetter among his friends. He is actively advocating for his finances to be in order and thanks his mother’s direction for that! Thank God he was listening!
He is working towards continued success and personal growth. He looks happy and tranquil. That to me, is enough to be grateful for.
Esai has been through some horrific and unimaginable struggles. As his mother, I can attest to that. Without these struggles though, I don’t believe he would have grown into the incredible human being he is today; a loyal friend, supportive brother (younger and older), amazing artist and awe-inspiring son. His smile will always melt my heart, just like the day I knew I would welcome him into this world. Incredibly, in just a few short months, he will be eighteen!
*If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness, please seek help. You are not alone.
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